Ownership, Overjoyed, Overwhelmed

After posting about the inspiration behind opening Circles, it seems balancing to write about some of the reality of owning a business. There is the joy of having a vision manifested into reality. There is the contentedness of sitting in the social circles. There is the creative stimulation that leads to ideas, ideas, ideas.

And then there is the ever-expanding To Do List. From seeking out and ordering inventory, to shop presentation, to keeping up with marketing emails and campaigns, to bookkeeping and bathroom cleaning and staff training and managment, the list goes on and on and on. The feeling that most often arises in me is one of overwhelm.

Today I spent the entire day trying to correct link errors in a marketing email that I sent yesterday. It wasn't as simple as sending a follow up email with correct links. It turns out that my web site is case sensitive. Who knew? I had to scour all the pages of the web site to find the links that weren't in the proper case.

Then I found out that my new initiative to engage people in our Referral program doesn't work. We had tested it, but somehow now a file is missing. A CGI/Perl program file that I don't know how to write. And the person who did the original work is no longer available to me. So, I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out if this was something I could do myself. Bye, bye Thursday.

Why don't I just hire someone? Welcome to a micro-business. I don't have the money to hire someone for each of the areas of the business that I have to attend to. I'm sure that I could run a multi-million dollar business. That seems easy. You have assistants. You have accounting departments, IT departments, marketing departments, maintenance departments, purchasing departments. Sure, there's pressure from the board and the stockholders. Lots of meetings. Everybody needs your attention. But if I could focus my energy on holding and developing a vision, looking down from the top and pointing out ways to improve systems, mentoring people, providing inspiration, solving macro problems...If I did not have to order cups, clean toilets, fix the web site, manage the cash flow, train staff, teach, sell, merchandise. That company would hum. But, alas, I'm a micro-business (with high hopes of growing beyond that) and I have to sweat every detail every day.

Of course, I didn't lose Thursday just because of the troublesome links. My daughter has been sick and home from school all week. She hasn't been sleeping well. So, I haven't been sleeping well. Now, I'm not feeling well. It didn't take long after I opened Circles to realize how inane it was to do this when I have a young child. People who have children can't believe I can pull it off at all. Many of those who don't seem to think I am simply lacking the ability to manage my life. I admit that I didn't understand until I had my own child how utterly relentless and unpredictable parenting is. (How could I have known that my daughter would start having Grand Mal Seizures one month after opening my business?)

It is worth it. It is the most rewarding job I've ever had. The way she can make me laugh when I'm frustrated. The fascination of watching her develop. And the non-stop loving affection. She's a joy to be with.

Circles, my other child, is worth it, too. People who have never owned a business have a hard time understanding how relentless and unpredictable it is. It is so far from the 9to5 job that you can leave behind. There simply is no paycheck if you're not driving the business. Still, my heart sings when I see people connecting in the Sitting Room. Or watch someone go from saying they are uncoordinated and "probably can't do this" to knitting their first hat. I am inspired with design ideas and book ideas. I feel very supported by the community of knitters that is growing along with Circles. I have long felt tribe-less, as my birth family has a long history of being detached. With Circles, I feel the presence of a tribe. I feel seen and am willing to be seen. Being seen, I feel accountable. I feel responsible for creating something that now means a lot to a great many people. I don't want to fail because I will let down my two best friends, without whom I would not have manifested this adventure, and this vibrant community. It will simply be tragic to turn the Circles community into a diaspora. I have to make it succeed.

I have to learn to ask for the right kind of help in a timely, meaningful manner. I need better systems for some parts of the business. I need a more efficient way to get samples onto the shop floor. I need to create PR activity. I need to continuously generate digital photos. I need to improve the materials for the classes. Oh, so many improvements I can think of....

I have this great idea for a fundraiser. Suzanne has a great idea for an event. These are on my mind a lot lately. How to pull them off.....

Though I lost much of this to teck-i-nickel difficulties, I did in the end get the links corrected for the marketing email and I have launched two blogs. Though my daughter has been sick all week, she blew me two kisses as her dad was putting her to bed tonight . She told me she wants to come to Circles tomorrow and learn how to do finger knitting. She wants to teach other kids to knit someday, she says. Because, "Mommy, I think it is good to teach people knitting together." She's 5 going on 50.

Inspired by her to remember why I do this, I think I'll write about my recent knitting adventures next....

Knit along now.