Sinking in

Or maybe just sinking.

A little update on the health thing. Yes, I have this metal poisoning and we've begun chelation treatment. Some of the damage may be irreversible.

Some have asked why I'm getting poisioned by exposure that other people are not poisoned by. The best I can tell you is the current working theory. I probably got sick from lead - or MS (apparently, that's still what the docs think!) - and this caused damage to my system that has made me vulnerable to what would normally be considered a safe exposure. I may now be 'sensitive'. I'll be working with the docs, an acupuncturist, and others, to see what I can do to reverse this. Currently, their not offering a lot of hope.

Meanwhile, the ramifications are profound. I can't work in my own store. Or, I can't touch the yarns. Which makes it difficult to serve customers. I, also, have to be concerned about sitting on the upholstered furnishings.

I need to consider the future possibilities of me being in this business. As Circles is becoming a co-operative, my presence may not be necessary. Though, many would say that it still is. But I have to consider the physical and emotional toll on me. Right now it's quite painful to be in my shop full of beautiful fibers, watching others touch and work with them, while for me they are a poison.

Either my role at Circles has to change or Circles has to change if Circles is to stay alive and I am to maintain health (or not get worse.) Some options other than me simply changing careers:

1) I become more of a product developer and promoter. I don't work in the shop. I have a presence as the founder/designer and can do some of the planning management, but there is a shop manager. Or the Co-op members run the show. I could retain a role as a visionary guide.

2) Circles become a specialty shop carrying only yarns that are dyed without metals - or that fully disclose the production process. I don't know what's out there, so I don't have a sense of what kind of offering this would look like. But we'd probably have to invest in a decent online store to reach a broad enough customer base to be sustainable. We might also have to develop our own product line. (One person has already suggested that we might alter our mission in El Salvador a bit and teach them to dye yarns with low eco-impact dyes. This could become our own production facility.)

3) There could be some hybrid where one side of the shop - we have two physically separate spaces - is conventional and the other is eco-conscious. I couldn't serve customers on the conventional side.

4) We become a member-driven fiber arts co-operative where people pay a monthly (or annual) membership fee to support the space and the inventory. (The fee can be applied to product purchases and would include benefits.) There might still be a shop open to the public to supplement income and to sell products developed by the co-operative. The focus could be more on a kind of design studio. Creating our own patterns, kits, even yarns or finished garments. Members would manage the business (financial planning, marketing, product development, etc. and would supplement a base staff in the shop). I would simply be another member. Designs that became patterns or kits would be part of the collaborative product development and members would earn money on consignment from the sales of their designs.

I suppose that some of these ideas could be combined. These are my preliminary thoughts. I'm emotionally overwrought right now and am just trying to get some ideas out. I'm nowhere near a decision-making state of mind. Circles, as a concept is in my blood and it's hard for me to imagine letting it go. Circles, as a reality, is a phenomenal community of support and I couldn't endure the loss of that on top of everything else I'm dealing with. So, somehow, Circles has to go on. Even if I'm a supporting actor in the Circles show. For that to happen, others have to step forward to really grab some of the reins. Great things could happen, though, if even one or two people found themselves compelled to dive in and scoop the keys off the floor off the deep end that I'm sinking into. Besides, I apparently haven't lost the ability to type! I can always contribute business/community ideas and writings for newsletters, PR and products.

I'm putting it out there to the universe: how's this going to work?

Inanity

This is completely out of character. I was perusing my dear Mrs. Hammer's blog and feeling the need for some whimsy, clicked the Tarot card link. I thoroughly expected to get something gloomy.

You Are The Sun

You represent the best of life - vitality, success, and and truth. You tend to have a strong, centered, balanced personality. Inspiration and discovery are your fortes. You are very mentally strong. A talented mind, you tend to excel at math, philosophy, and music. Your fortune: As well as you have done in the past, the future is going to be filled with more success. A new creative project is coming your way. Feed it, and it will grow into something huge. Great riches, recognition, prosperity, or happiness is coming your way. And it's possible that a fantastic vacation, or a new baby, is coming sooner than you think.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Well, I'll take any pick-me-ups at this point...
But I probably won't put any more of this silly kind of thing here.

Whoa!

Though I've mentioned that I haven't been well here, it had been my plan to avoid discussing my health. I simply didn't want to get sidetracked from my musings on the subjects for which I created this blog. Little did I know that it wouldn't be OT, as they say in i-land. (off-topic, that is.)

I've been suffering from an array of neurological symptoms - physical and cognitive. After nearly a year of testing and one hospitalization, most of the practioners involved were inching closer and closer to telling me that I had MS. I've spent the better part of the year coming to terms with that possibility. About a month ago, another possibility was presented to me. It was suggested that I do some more tests just to rule it out. I did the tests, but really didn't think seriously about what a postive result would mean. Much less 4 positives.

It looks like I don't have MS. I should be pushing out a big, "Phew!" But what I do have is actually more life shattering for me. I have toxic levels of 4 heavy metals.

Okay, so I started a treatment to pull these metals out of my body. So far, so good. No big deal. Except that the common sources for these 4 metals are pigments and mordants for textiles. I'm absorbing them through my skin which is more toxic than ingesting them. Apparently, my liver isn't flushing them out of my system. Most livers do. Is there a reason my liver doesn't? I don't know. Frankly, I lost the ability to take in information once the doc said, "you need to find a different outlet for your creativity." Having only met me once before, he has no idea of the profundity of that directive.

This isn't simply an outlet for my creativity. It's the basis of my livelihood. My life's vision is infused with it. More than that, it has been a spiritual and healing practice. The beauty and symbolism of color has been a fundamental piece of that work. My chosen modality for healing has been killing me.

I'm sure there are adjustments I can make so that I can still knit. I'm not ready to think about that (post ideas and resources on our forum, not here, thank you.) Right now, I'm in a bit of a spiritual crisis. And the one thing that I usually pick up to work through that is toxic to me. (I did start working on a natural alpaca piece, so I know it's not totally lost) Really, I can't work in my own store. I can't touch the vast majority of the yarns and I don't think it will be condusive to sales if I walk around with rubber gloves on.

The business is in a fragile state of transition and I need to attend to my own health. As each day goes by since this diagnosis was given to me, I realize that I need to take a break. I have to focus on getting undyed sheets and how I'm going to replace furniture, rugs, towels, etc. I need to give my body some energy to recover. (I do hope treatment will mean the end of the tingling and burning in my extremities!)

I need to figure out how Circles can survive while I make sure that I do, too.

I need to come to terms with what my choice of passion has done to me. I have followed my heart and it has taken me here. I need to go deep down for some visions of how to assimilate all of this and set out on a new path forward.

I still need to cry. Why haven't I cried?

Battered. Cake anyone?

It's been a while since I've written here. I last spoke of doing; not reflecting. There has been some doing. A lot of that doing is hobbled by my personal health. Still, things are moving.

Yet, without doing some amount of reflecting, I can lose the wide-angle sight of what is meaningful while I focus my narrow lens on the tasks at hand. I suppose I need to find a balance. Losing sight means flying blind. Flying blind means running into things or being blindsided. A wise bird adjusts her focal lens before she's battered beyond recovery.

Obviously, I've been blindsided. I'm chugging along with my not-so-little to do list, in the not-so-abundant hours that I'm even functional when I am slapped upside the head with the reality that I have neglected to see the next growing pains in the community staring me right in the face.

Community is an abstract thing. It's difficult to pinpoint what each of us mean by 'community.' Or to articulate exactly what we expect community to provide for us. Or us it.

Still, we have, in the past two and half years, created community at Circles. There have been many expressions of appreciation for the space to come to, the technical and creative knitting and life support, and the social connections that enrich our lives. I believe, that at the heart of this is that word 'connections". What seems to make people feel like we are a community is the complex networks of connections: both within ourselves, amongst ourselves and through ourselves to the greater world.

If creating community is about connections, then the antithesis, the destruction of community, is about disconnecting. If what people appreciate is the connection, how do they feel if they perceive the connection is severed?

Periodically, we have members of our community who become indisposed for one reason or another: they might have had a baby, or surgery, or are recovering from an injury or an emotional trauma. We miss these people during the time that they can't come to Circles. But, as we're a large enough group that the absence of one person may not be noted without dramatically diminishing our enjoyment of the community, the person who is missing may have lost all physical contact with the community. Relatively, the loss is far more profound for the individual who can't come.

As the size of the community grows, the gap between the loss the group feels versus the loss that the individual feels only grows. As social creatures, we crave connectedness. Connectedness is the opposite of loneliness. There is no loneliness more painful than feeling lonely when there are people all around you.

How can you feel lonely with people all around you? (You don't really have to ask, do you?) Imagine sitting in a room full of people. They are conversing and enjoying themselves. You, meanwhile, are on the verge of tears. No one notices.

A friend told me the perfect comment for this situation: "Uh, hello, just pretend that I'm here. Okay?"

I had this experience recently. I sat quietly amongst a group feeling painfully sad and on the verge of tears. They didn't notice. I left the room for a bit and came back composed. Well, for a while anyway.

But this wasn't the blindsided part. I was blindsided by the realization that someone else in the community was experiencing this type of loneliness on a constant basis within the community. And then felt like a non-entity when she couldn't be at Circles and no-one was reaching out to her. The resulting despair was insufferable. I hadn't paid enough attention to how much she was suffering. It took a 'flap', as she called it, for me to refocus and see the forest for the trees.

If I've experienced it and she's experiencing it, we're probably not the only ones. How often is this happening for people? If its happening when people are here, how connected are people feeling when they can't be here? How can we prevent, or at least minimize this? How much do we care?

That's at the bottom of it: how much do we care? We, the community. But the community is comprised of individuals. Unless a critical mass of individuals cares (through actions), then we don't have a rich enough network of connections to keep the community cohesive. I can't manifest enough caring alone to buoy hundreds of people.

The work has to be both on the community level and on the individual level. The actions have to manifest in two directions: each individual has to express her needs - which are different than feelings - to the community and the community has to proactively check in about individual needs and be willing to take action when possible.

So, what have I done? Did I express my needs during that conversation that had me nearly in tears? No. I had an internal dialogue that was in turns self-deprecating, then resentful. I could write an impressive list of my emotional history that would detail all the psychology for why I sat there so passively waiting for someone to notice. But the bottom line is that I only extended my own suffering and imbued the room with that energy. I only affirmed that my historical experience was the only possible experience.

Or as I learned in the film "What the Bleep Do We Know", I might have been feeding an chemical addiction to a particular emotion or set of emotions.

I'm struggling, because my health is exacerbating my personal weaknesses, to feel useful and to have faith that I will achieve success in my little business experiment. Self-doubt is gnawing at the trees of my soul to build a dam across the river of my spirit. I needed a neon sign that said, "Ego failure in process. Need ICU."

What if I had said, "Pretend I'm here?" Or something more direct like, "I need a lot reassurance today?" The result certainly wouldn't have been worse than the prolonged agony I wallowed in. At a minimum, if I didn't get a satisfactory response, I would then know exactly the status of our relationship and could make some choices about that. But perhaps, just perhaps, those people weren't trying to abandon me. Perhaps they were simply caught up in their experience. Perhaps they would have even done something like, oh, I don't know, honor my feelings once they were known. Even help me feel better. I wouldn't want to risk that.

The point is, this tricky business of community, with its complex network of connections has far too many energy centers at any one time to expect that our emotional needs will get noticed in the cacophony if we don't speak up. If I don't believe that my needs are important enough to vocalize, why should I expect anyone else to think they're important? Simultaneously, it can be disheartening to feel that noone is connecting to you enough to notice your needs without you articulating it verbally, which can be intimidating within a group. So, the reach has to be in both directions.

We each have to be willing to risk the vulnerability of public disclosure. Reach out for help. And the group has to exercise self-preservation by paying attention to and offering a hand.

Do the individuals in our community value the community experience enough to explore what it needs to do for self-preservation? How can we proactively make sure that we aren't missing the fact that someone is feeling hurt? How can we help someone who feels disenfranshised become re-enfranchised? What are the limits of our capacity for this? How do we balance the need to attend to people with the need to simply have a safe place to get away from a world of people 'needing' us so that we can relax and enjoy ourselves?

As the hostess of this community, I need to ask, "When does the responsibility for community cohesion move beyond me?" I need more people to commit to community cohesion.

I submit this theory: that thriving communities have explicit paths for conflict resolution.

Oh! There it is. The dreaded word. Conflict. Or is the dreaded word 'confrontation.' Well, no matter. They both start with 'c.' And they both seem to put the fear of death into a room full of people faster than an open vial of the black plague. (Yeah, yeah, these days it's the bird flu.)

But there you have it. When people walk into a room, inevitably conflicts arrive with them. The more people and the more often they congregate, the exponentially more potential for conflict. So, to be a community, we have to accept that reality and figure out what to do with it. I believe conflict resolution channels and pro-active outreach are called for.

That's a lot to ask of a bunch of folks that just came to sit down and knit. Will they rise to the challenge and share the burden?

We'll see. I'll have to review in a few months how I'm feeling about hosting a community. Right now I'm feeling battered. Anybody want to help make cake out of this mess?

Themeless in the Prattle

I've tried several times to post. Usually, I start typing and a theme emerges. Not this week.

A couple of times I have been speaking with people at the shop about posting here and I have had a theme arise in the conversation. Each time I get back to the computer, I can't recall what I was going to write about.

What's going on? I think there is so much going on in that black hole of electrical storms that I call a brain, that I can't sort through them.

Speaking of electrical storms and the rapid bursts of intensity that they create, I am reminded of a conversation with a friend in the industry. We were talking about how yarn stores around the country are doing. Who's doing well, who's not and why. My friend confirmed what several other sources had told me: shops that have event after event after event, with celebrity instructors (yes, there are knitting celebrities) and a relentless stream of excitement, are the ones thriving.

Oh my.

Now, don't get me wrong. Events are fun. I enjoy them. And I actually enjoy planning them. What strikes me as odd, though, is that knitting has the intrinsic value of creating a state of meditation. Of calming the knitter and reducing stress. Yet, for a yarn store to thrive it has to provide exciting stimulation. A constrant stream of knitting caffeine. (No, I'm not getting back to the coffee thing again!) Another of life's paradoxes.

Meanwhile, I'm overstimulated by all that I want to accomplish with Circles. Community ownership, a pattern collaborative, book publishing, Circles' project kits, more support of farmers and artisans, more travel, more creative inspiration, more connection, more, more, more.....!!!! With all these visions spinning around in my head, I feel like one of those spinning tops. Its exhilirating to watch them whirl. The colors blur into magical designs and you feel yourself pulled into another dimension. Then they fall over and play dead. You'll only respin that thing so many times until you're tired of giving it that boost. Then you find something else to do.


I've been spinning with excitement and this week I fell over. This is a time when its critical that I focus on the tangible tasks at hand and put the future vision on hold. Otherwise none of the visions will ever manifest. For now I'll have to focus on keeping the class and event schedule for the next six months vibrant. The other thing to keep my attention is our big transition to community ownership.

I haven't felt that I've had anything at all eloquent to say in the past two weeks and that has stopped me from posting. Eloquence requires a certain detachment, a bit of reflection. Perhaps there isn't time for reflection right now. It might just be a time for doing. So, let's see how I do.

Not Your Hostess Cupcake

Some days are ugly. Not because of the weather. or something anyone else does. Not because I've come down with a cold. Just because, on that day, for some reason, my inner ugliness decides to have a public stroll. Usually, I do something that is, shall we say, self-destructive to launch the whole affair. When the launch is completed and I have landed squarely in the valley of self-loathing, its all over for anyone who comes into my path.

To keep things in perspective, I'm not cutting myself or going on drinking binges, or anything. I'm not punching anyone or screaming expletives. So, why am I writing about this here? Because my life is a bit public and my ugly days are, perhaps, more public than some. I am the hostess of a community. I espouse to want to generate connection. I seek even the faintest bit of grace in life. So, my ugly days are framed squarely on the wall of the community experience as the epitome of what I hope to reduce in the world. My hyprocisy is there for the viewing. My feelings of shame are magnified.

Grace isn't something you build up a savings of and draw upon until you can make another deposit. It is fleeting. You are blessed with a moment of it and you can only hope to see another. You can't rest on your laurels. The fact that we had a day full of grace on a Saturday, didn't have any bearing on the following Thursday. You might be asking yourself, "So, what happened? Spill it already!"

Last Thursday I drove my daughter to school and witnessed another child being mean to her. She was confused and hurt and I scooted her on by and ushered her into her classroom. In the time that it took to get her to her locker, hand her off to the teacher and run into the other child again, the protective Mother Lion in me had risen. I quietly, but intensely told that child that my daughter didn't understand what was going and that it would be best if he would be nice about it.

Probably just should have spoken to the teachers. My daughter reported to me later that day that the same child chased her around the playground screaming, "I hate you", until she cried.

Meanwhile, I ran a few errands and was stopping to get some lunch. My intention upon entering the food establishment - which was an ice cream parlour - was to get soup. I left with a decaf chai and a chocolate dipped peanut butter cookie. (Could I be poisoning myself as punishment for approaching that child?) Needless to say, my behavior did not improve as the day went on. I was wired for sound. Lots of it pouring out of my non-stop mouth.

Being a Thursday, we had our Thursday night Social Circle. I probably shouldn't have socialized. Because I wasn't that sociable, really. I was edgy. Nothing but sugar and caffeine since about 7am. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't gracious. I was tenaciously righteous with a dose of not-so-passive aggressiveness. Ellen, please forgive me.

Ellen, rather innocently mentioned that she had visited a yoga retreat center and that she felt it improved by the fact that they now serve coffee.

Imagine. Here I am wired on sugar and caffeine, having aimed a little power display at a 6 year-old earlier in the day and now, as a hostess, I'm going to stick my claws into the hypocrisy of coffee at a yoga retreat. And stick, and stick and stick. Oh, the layers...

Its not that there isn't validity to questioning coffee at a yoga retreat. Its that I couldn't keep my mouth shut, or just say me peace and let it go. Saying your peace means being at peace. I guess its obvious that I wasn't.

Even if there is merit in debating the presence of coffee at a yoga retreat, there is a way to do that which is neutral. I feel in retrospect that my continual return the topic wasn't just about the retreat center. After all, Ellen doesn't control their policies. She simply stated her opinion of them. So, was I really attacking her opinion? More layers.

It is clear that my behavior was not warranted and that I owe Ellen and the Thursday night circle an apology. Its also clear that I might want to avoid sugar/caffeine lunches and get some real nourishment in my system. This little act of self-destruction isn't new, though and it will probably take years more introspection to eliminate it from my personality.

In the meantime, I'm public. These transgressions are public. I'm scrutinized. Sometimes harshly. Does my inability to be the perfect Hostess Cupcake on a daily basis mean that I shouldn't host a community? Is it simply too hyprocritical to promote the idea of connection to one another if I'm capable of moments where I'm more connected to my inner demons than the people I'm supposedly communing with? Is it unpardonable that I would cause discomfort to another in a group setting?

I wrestle with these questions all the time. While I strive to improve my behaviors, I know that being in the public eye pushes me along. Also, I tell myself that my imperfection lets others know that they can be embraced without being perfect. I recite to myself my favorite Rumi poem:

Come, come whoever you are
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
Ours is not a caravan of despair
Though you have broken your vows a thousand times
Come, come again.

I'll continue to wrestle and hope that I'm an acceptable hostess as I continue to receive admonitions and even rejections. And in my better moments, I'll look around and receive the virtual embraces of the wonderful people who grace the doorstep at Circles.

A Day of Grace

[please note: this post is addressed to the community here at Circles. They are the "you" to whom I refer.]

I'm sure I've mentioned that I don't like to have sales.

The theory behind the "sale" mechanism is that you either move along products that love your shelves too much, or you generate a burst of cash.

In my experience, sales with these motivations simply feel bad. To achieve these ends I really have to promote the sale to the widest possible audience. People wait for the sale. When sale day arrives that anticipation leads to a ferocious feeding frenzy. People come who never shop here at any other time. They don't care about the shop, the staff or the other customers. They just want a deal. In a yarn store, where the purchases can require a lot of technical assistance, it can be downright ugly. It drains my soul and whether the customers realize it, it drains theirs, as well.

Financially, its not worth it. A lot of inventory goes out of the store without generating enough cash to replenish it and pay the bills. It can feel like a lot of money in the moment, but it only lasts a moment. Then sales for the next few weeks are slow and cash flow anxiety is even angstier than before. It feels a bit like an addictive cycle. I no longer do sales.

Well, not for those reasons. I believe the best reason to have a sale is to celebrate and/or appreciate. I hadn't tested how a sale with that motivation would feel until this weekend:

I was prompted to have a sale for two reasons. First, I am overwhelmingly warmed by the support I am receiving from you during our big tranformation to community ownership.

But honestly, I didn't feel that I had done a good enough job promoting the Farmhouse Yarns Trunk Show. It felt important to generate a great turnout to maximize exposure to Carol Martin's meaningful work. The only way I could think to ensure this was to have a surprise sale. Since that also felt like a good way to show you my appreciation, I went for it. On Thursday we announced a sale for Saturday via our email list. We sent a reminder early Saturday morn.

Friday evening, I sat in the store doing a little preparation, wondering if anybody would come. The feeling that all I can do is wait and see is the daily experience of this shop owner. Will they come? While I was wondering, Judy arrived with vibrantly colored flowers for the shop. It felt like a good omen.

Saturday morning, we got a message that Carol had a lambing emergency and would be late. Uh-oh. This is not good. But Jennifer had gotten there early and was already welcoming people. That's a good sign, right? Next a few customers arrived at opening time and left disappointed that they couldn't wait for Farmhouse Yarns. Gulp. Then Judy put out the flowers.

Before we realized it people were streaming in. People who were pleasantly surprised at the the announcement of a sale. The shop was bustling all day and it never felt frenzied. The sitting room was bathed in sunlight. Or maybe it was the glow of the people relaxing there all afternoon. Carol arrived around 1 and set up in the classroom. She put out big baskets of her lovely yarns and lots of knitted samples. Then she set up her spinning wheel. She was warm and open and told wonderful stories while you dug through the baskets and admired her work.

It was beautiful to me because it all felt symbiotic. Carol had a good sales day, but more importantly was inspired by your reception of her. It can be isolating creating products and having little contact with customers. She didn't know that part of our mission is to support farmers and artisans. You all did a good thing with your enthusiasm for what she's doing. Its a challenge in today's market to sell yarns with American grown fibers.

Circles had an excellent day of sales without the nasty frenzy part. Jennifer, Judy and I thank you for making it a relatively smooth day for us. It seemed like there were a lot of very happy people going home with beautiful yarns to be entertained and stimulated by for many, many hours.

The sale was very successful. Circles did a good bit of business, but what really made the day wonderful was the presence of Carol Martin spinning yarn and sharing her stories, people appreciating her mission, people sharing with each other in the sitting room and a general feeling of joy throughout the day. I felt the balance that makes Circles what I had hoped - a myriad of connections leading to a little bit of grace. It made my heart sing.

So, thank you all for participating and supporting this little experiment - both the one on Saturday and the ongoing one that is Circles. Especially as we move ahead into completely uncharted waters. I can't do it without you.

And a special big thank you to the staff at Circles who are hanging in there, too. They continue to give a lot of energy to Circles - both me and you - for that little retail pay check that is sometimes late. Where would we be without them? Judy, Jennifer, Bridgid, Alexis, Liz, Martha - I am blessed to have you all in my life.

May we continue to experience a little grace now and then.

Reluctance or Revolution

People get an odd chuckle out of the title of this blog. It is tinged with a bit of confusion. What's the reluctance?

Its not the retail per se. I've always had a hard time "selling". I prefer to serve than to sell. The difference is not subtle. The question is whether one can be successful in business without "selling". Skeptics say no.

What do I mean by serve rather than sell? Semantics become important when articulating something like this. I am using the word sell as an action where the "sale" is the be all and end all. It is not qualified by anything except the dollar signs on the cash register. There are people who are masterful sellers. They can get you to gladly (at least in the moment) part with your last dollar for a plastic toe ring when you are in a desert dying of thirst and you know the next person you see will have a bottle of water to sell.

In the study of economics there is no value system other than increasing the digits after the $ sign. An economy with a Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of $4trillion is better than an economy with a GDP of $3trillion. Full stop. Even if the $4trillion dollars is completely comprised of the sales of exploding vanilla wafers and the $3trillion dollars is comprised of the sales of a food that prevents cancer. Though the development of economic measures that assess the quality of goods and services exchanged and the quality of life achieved has been discussed in academic/intellectual circles for at least 3 decades, there has been little progress in implementing any such thing that influences our economic choices.

We are so trained to value the exchange of dollars for any sake without any value assessments, that we have come to believe that it is all that matters and that it is all that you have to focus to create a success . Sell, sell, sell. On a macro level, who cares if there are 3 million little broken plastic toe rings in homes, gutters, landfills? Money was exchanged. Hurrah! On a micro level, who cares if you couldn't really afford that $200 shirt and aren't buying groceries this week? We made a sale!

Now, certainly, to have a successful business you must generate more sales than expenses. You have to pay the rent and pay your vendors. You won't last long if you don't. Like everybody else, I would like to have a financially stable, somewhat comfortable life. I need to support my daughter and be concerned about my own well being. The question for me is the ethic or deep inner ecology of how you get there and how far you think you need to go. The toe ring in the desert example speaks to what I mean about how you get there. How far you need to go is another aspect of the ecology of business.

In any financial class you take, you are likely to learn about the expectation of net profit growth. That is, a successful business is that shows a constant increase in profits. An increase that is greater than the general economic inflation rate. It is not good enough to achieve profitability and just hold that profitibility. If your company earned $1M in profit this year, the shareholders expect you to top that next year. Perpetually. What is the ecology of this model? There is no organism in a healthy ecological model that has perpetual growth. When growth is too rapid, the organism dies young. Generally there is physical increase in size until maturation. Then when we might see some kind of transformation in form to represent further maturation. In natural ecological systems, everything has point of growth that is satisfactory and lives out a life span at that size.

All of this is a long way of saying that I rebel against our accepted principles of economics and business growth. Being who I am, I can't make a sale solely for the sake of the sale. I must feel that I am meeting the needs of the buyer. I don't want to partake in an unhealthy, destructive behavior (addictive buying) and I don't want to derail someone from their own path with my agenda (knit this because its what I have instead of knitting what you really wanted to knit.) I hold the ideas that if I create an atmosphere that honors the customer as a person and works to meet that customers needs, they will be compelled to buy products from me. As a business, I need the sales. I can't deny the self-serving aspect of it, but my goal is that the sale be a mutually beneficial transaction. One that everyone feels good about. That my business succeeds because I offer products and services that are truly appreciated. It is a heart-more transaction rather than a heart-less one.

Circles is not financially successful yet. I have my shortcomings (not very good at creating retail displays, for instance.) The business was bootstrapped and that has inherent shortcomings (any small financial setback doesn't just halt the ability to grow, it pulls the company backward.) I aspire to a much higher level of customer service and much deeper/broader offering of product/services. But my vision to create a successful business steeped in a different economic outlook and a different business ecology has not yet been proven ludicrous. (Even if we were to fail, it could simply be my failure, not a proof that the theory is bad.)

Beyond selling products and services, I strive to help people get the most out of their knitting experience. To capture the highest potential that knitting can bring to their lives. This isn't always about buying more stuff. Often purchases are made as a self-soothing tool. A moment of human transaction. A moment of power. A moment of _____. (you fill in the blank.) Often these moments are deceptive and ultimately self-destructive. The real need is not being met. The being with people. The tapping into the true power of your creativity. The healing of the alpha waves (the same waves generated by meditation) that are generated by the very actions of knitting. The ________. (You know what to do.)

Creating the kind of place where people have the opportunity to have quality exchanges is a slower building process than creating the kind of place where people come to be "sold" to. Its more complex. Its more challenging. Frankly, I am more exposed as a flawed human being. It takes a different kind of energy. Energy that can detract from the energy it takes to maximize sales. Attracting clientele that aren't used to this approach, articulating and creating the experience you envision, building a clientele that appreciate what you are offering, maintaining what you are offering and converting that experience into sales is more like cooking in a crock pot than a micro-wave. It takes exponentially longer, but the flavor is so much richer.

Now we're at a critical point. For Circles to be successful we have to make changes. We've been mulling the options over for a while - contract, transform, expand - and we've chosen a brazen one. Really test the concept of the experience fueling the business. The experience is created for our customers. If they are the ones experiencing and the ones who fuel the business let them merge. Let them be part of broadening the experience and increasing the pool of people who bathe in it. Embed them as a way of generating more people who embody the vision and carry it into the rest of their world. Not just for the success of Circles but the propogation of an idea.

Is this revolutionary? We are not the first to see our customers as the source of the capital to build the business and to embed our customer base into the business by making them owners. But we are part of a lineage of businesses that buck the valueless ideals of economics as we know it. We are trying find smart business strategies without giving up those ideals.

Am I a reluctant retailer? Yes, because I'm not sure I'm very good at it, per se. No, because the direct exchange of goods and services is at the core of human interaction. I like being at the core. Yes, because I want to serve people, I don't want to sell. No, because I see it as it as the chorus in a church. More people will come to church when there is music. Once they are they there, they may check out and find value in the other offerings. Circles is a place where the yarn is the music. Classes, field trips, events, stories about where the yarn came from, a cup of tea, a community and place that sees you as much more than a 'sale' are the other offerings. I am not reluctant to retail. I am reluctant to pursue it valuelessly. So often retail can represent the lowest common denominator in our mass psyche. I don't believe that we find that satisfactory. I believe that in the pursuit of dollars as quickly as possible business leaders have left us little choice. I believe people are inspired in more ways than one when they experience something different.

Is it all enough to motivate people to buy their yarns here often enough to enable us to build the business and offer more? Or even enough to sustain what we have? That is still to be seen. And for me, it is a test of a little revolution in that perpetual motion machine that I call a brain. I am not the first. Far from it. But it is still a revolution.

Now we'll see how many revolutionaries will join the cause of trying to make money while changing the way we approach it.

Rumors vs. Visions

I heard a rumor the other day. Another LYS owner called to tell me that customers in her store were reporting that Circles was going out of business.

How do such rumors get started? Well, the best ones are not far from the truth. But those who generate rumors fail to see the creative potential of a near crisis. Rather than adding their power to the pool of those working towards transforming a near crisis into an opportunity, they seek power by propelling the near crisis into certain demise.

The truth is that Circles has been struggling. I have been struggling. A big part of my silence on this blog is that I have been facing some serious health issues. I don't want to turn this into a forum for reporting all the details of my ailment and yet, each day I wake up and hope I'll have a 'good' day which will mean that I'll manage to get to the shop for at least a few hours. The limited energy to devote to work has meant that I haven't posted here. But now is the time.

Being ill, I have not been able to drive the business the way it needs. I stopped teaching classes, which are a significant source for new customers and product sales. Pile that on top of the fact that we bootstrapped Circles to begin with and you end up with a business that is limping along.

We have no shortage of opportunities in front of us. Book publishing, pattern publishing, product ideas, travel circles and more, more, more. I simply can't make it all happen and without a push Circles is not viable. So, yes there was a brief moment of questioning whether the retail store was not the way to go. I could control the expenditure of my energy if I just had a design studio with workshops and social circles. It was a thought. Hence the rumor.

However, reports of our death are premature. The thought arose and the very next thought for me was about how to preserve the community. There are people who come to Circles for much more than the knitting. The knitting brings them together, the experience keeps them together. And that experience is vital to me. It is where I feel my calling and it nurtures and sustains me. So, rather than take something away from the community, we have decided to offer them more.

We are opening up the ownership. Going co-operative. Its very exciting. The community will not be vulnerable to the decisions of two owners because the members of the community will be owners. We have nearly 2,000 names on our customer list. The resources we can engage from that pool are enormous. Samples can be made, web presence increased, classes taught, events planned, inventory researched and planned out and so much more.

We already have a steering committee and are in the process of changing the corporate model. After a brief survey to test the idea with our constituents, we will put out the details of the offering and see what happens. I am thrilled. Can't think of a solution that is more aligned with my soul.

Here I was struggling to find a third partner - something we have considered for a while since my partner is not involved in operations and cannot help drive the business. I wondered if I was reluctant to give up control or be The Creative presence. I never thought of myself as someone who needed power. Indeed it more likely that I don't take control when it would be best if I did. But as soon as I thought about the community as the third partner, I felt at peace about it. It feels so natural and so dynamic. The energy at Circles right now is awesome. It simply feels right. It is in line with the vision of Circles. It is a visionary solution to a dilemma.

So, here we go. Shares will be $100 apiece. Details will be forthcoming in email, on our news blog and our forum. This is no rumor....

My sister is here!

Thrones and Goddesses

I went to the TNNA Tradeshow in San Diego last week. Before I left I walked into Circles to find a new piece of furniture in the Sitting Room. A rather large, creamy, cushy glider rocker. There was a card on it with at least 20 names saying, "Thank you."

Here I am wallowing in a sense of ineffectiveness and I'm handed what looks like a throne. It towers over all the other seating and its full of features. Its so cozy. The gliding movement is smooth and mesmerizing. Once I sit in it, I don't want to get up. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the thoughtful generosity. I can't say anything more graceful than, "Thank you, all."

Meanwhile, I went to the trade show (more about that soon) and stayed with my friend Susan who owns The Grove. I led a Greek Goddess Knitting Circle and we had a full house. I was concerned about being rusty because it had been a year and a half. Instead, I felt more in tune than ever. It was an 'introduction' circle to what is usually a much longer process, but it was still quite effective.

The women said they got a lot out of it. I felt better than I had in weeks. Alchemical Aphrodite was flowing through me for the first time in a long time. And I found myself definding the strategic, no nonsense Athena. Surprisingly, I was motivated to focus on Hera - the wife, the committer, the partner. She's probably a bit too quiet on my inner board of directors. Yet, I found that all conversational roads were leading to her. So, we spent the last hour and a half exploring the qualities of Hera.

And my time with Susan felt full of good energy. We spoke of being sister businesses. An idea we have tossed around before. But this time we had an idea of how to begin to build bonds between our two communities. (Go to the Circles message board for more on that.)

What to make of thrones and goddesses. While I struggle with self-worth and feeling rudderless, I am offered a throne and I visit with the Greeks.

The throne is an interesting symbol. As the hostess of a community, I have been likened to a Mother often. As much as I love my daughter and enjoy being a mother, I wouldn't say that my predominant personality trait is that of a mother. Demeter was the Mother and the Goddess of the Harvest. Before I had my child, I always had a garden, indoor plants and pets. Once I had a child, I seemed to be tapped out on my mothering energy. I haven't gardened, don't have plants in the house and I certainly don't deserve the continuing devotion of my dogs. I bristle a bit when people suggest that I'm the Mother of the Circles community.

What I don't like to admit, is that I am probably more of an archetypal Queen than a Mother. There have been moments in my life when people have told me I look regal. I assumed it was just because I'm tall. Did I mention above that Hera is The Queen. I resist Hera. She was the jilted wife. Hopelessly devoted to being defined as the wife of Zeus, she gets ferociously angry with the other woman, rather than her ever philandering husband. I don't like her. She seems the fool. And a destructive one, at that. But she is the only one who withstood Zeus' advances and trickery and aggression to force him to marry her before he could have her. Beyond that I can't tell you anything good about Hera. I lack appreciation for her.

I just googled "queen archetype" and came up with this. I'll have to see if I can hold this information and embrace it.

As for the goddesses, I realize I need to stay on the path of my heart. I didn't open Circles just to have a yarn store. The yarn store was a creative solution to earning a living while being accessible to my daughter. It was a business where I could let my creativity flow. Where I could host a community of women. And as a venue for following my intuition. I need to do those things that I am compelled to do. I find that right now, I am compelled to find a way to revive the goddess circles; I am compelled to pursue the travel circles; and I am compelled to find either an operating partner or a retail manager to run the shop while I pursue publishing patterns and books and continue building the unique blend of business and community that we have here at Circles.

So, I have compulsions. Now, how to gain momentum.....

Unreliable? or Rudderless?

Where have I been? I get this blog started, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting, I tell myself I will post at least once a week and would like to build that to once a day, and then: I don't.

How many things have I said I'm going to do, that I don't get to? How often have I disappointed myself? Others?

There are always reasons. My heart is true. I simply don't seem to be able to swim straight against the tide of life. I am raising a 6 year old daughter and running a retail business. I am hosting a community of fiber artists, trying to contribute to my daughter's school and I sit on the local neighborhood council. I'm a knitter. That is my business, after all. I knit and I design for the shop and for myself and my daughter and sometimes friends. I'm supposedly writing a book. I have two dogs I should be taking on long walks everyday. I should be exercising. I should be singing. I should be socializing.

What I woke up feeling this morning, as I was setting my priorities for the day and feeling behind in everything, is that I'm unreliable. So much to do, so little time, means that I don't get to things. Am I unreliable?

Is it me? Or is time too constraining?

Why am I so disappointed in my inability to get more done? After all, all of this just concerns me keeping my little life together. All day long, I've been conscious of how disappointed I am. Why isn't my business making money yet? Why isn't that book written yet? Why aren't those patterns tested and published yet? All these ideas and no results. So unreliable.

There's a well-rehearsed critic in my head that's been bearing down on me. But then a friend asked me to lead a knitting circle at her shop in return for housing me on my next business trip. I asked her if she had a topic in mind and she immediately responded, "I really want you talk about the Greek Goddess knitting." I sent her a description for an intro to Greek Goddess knitting. She posted it to her customer list and 6 people immediately signed up. I am tickled pink. What it made me realize is that I have been so wrapped up in the mechanics of running a shop that I have neglected my calling. The motivation for opening a shop when I knew that I would not love retail, was to create a venue where I would cross paths with knitters who might be interested in consciously nurturing their spirits through their knitting. I am supposed to be developing my knitting therapy programs and helping people to heal. Instead, I am completely focused on inventory and cash flow and class schedules and sales figures and marketing. All things that need to get done, but I should know myself better by now. If I'm not doing the sine qua non, I will be drained. It is all non. Even if the shop were making me rich, I would be disappointed. I would feel unfulfilled.

Perhaps I have been unreliable. But what ship can be expected to get to the next harbor without a rudder? For some, their rudder may be in the making of the sale. Or it may be in planning of the inventory. I know that no business ship is in shape without these things, but my rudder is definitely the spirit work. I will always feel off course and in a stormy sea without it.

With the rudder in place, I will silence that tiny, yet ferociously tenacious critic. I will gain some clarity and wend my way through my days with a lot more grace.

At least for a while..... ;D

Once I get batteries....

Shouldn't be so hard. Get batteries. But over a week later and I still haven't marked that item off my to do list.

This is partly because my personal organizer was in my bag that was stolen. My life has been very disrupted by all this theft stuff. One of us has now been the victim of some serious identify theft/bank fraud. $6,000 wrongfully withdrawn from her home equity account. This has ratcheted up the attention that we are getting from the police and the bank. All of us have now had to close all accounts, open new ones and deal with all the paper trail that it takes to make that a smooth transition. We've had to place a 'fraud alert' on our social security numbers. Believe it or not, all of these precautions make it nearly impossible for you to track any activity against your own accounts or your credit. So, we have to rely on daily calls from the bank about potential activity that we must clear. Its all very consuming.

Oh, and did I mention I have a young child?

Meanwhile, we're preparing for our 2nd Anniversary celebration and I'll be pleasantly surprised if we have a good turnout. All this theft stuff has made it difficult for me to organize, disseminate invitations and information, and prepare for the day.

Oh, and did you remember that we still have to service our lovely customers as they come into the shop?

I haven't been able to attend to any of the long term planning that needs to be done. Should be pushing for a meeting with our benefactress. Should be actively seeking a working partner. Should be writing updated business plan.

Oh, and did I tell you that I'm supposed to be writing a book?

Forget the three ring circus. This is easily a twelve ring circus. And I'm supposed to be in ten of them at a time. I can do that? Right?

Barely managing.....

Removals, Replacements, Returns

There has been a rash of thefts here lately. Personal items are being taken. Valuable ones. One laptop computer. Gone. One wallet. Missing. One digital camera. Absconded. One purse and backpack. Departed. Another purse/satchel. Extracted.

These 'removals' have been hard on us. Our open hearted community has an edge of suspicion. Who is it? It couldn't be a knitter?! Are we being watched? Its very disquieting.

Meanwhile, community has risen to the occasion once again. Lovely Veronica has given me an old digital camera that she had replaced. Its not fancy, but it should do what I need. (Once I get batteries.)

During all these removals of seemingly important things, there has been a more important return. A member of the community who took a hiatus after the community endured a very rough patch last spring. Mea culpa. Allow me to explain:

Almost immediately after opening Circles, my then 4 year old daughter started having Grand Mal seizures. Predominantly in the night, up to 8 of them at a time. They went undiagnosed for awhile. In May of 2004, it became clear that she wasn't just having nightmares, or night terrrors. The terror was all mine as I saw in the early morning light my daughter start shaking, then flop backwards into my lap as she gasped for air and her lips turned blue and her eyes rolled back in her head until she went completely unconscious and lay in my lap as though dead. We went straight to the hospital where she was admitted for 3 days. After innumerable tests, we had a diagnosis: there is nothing wrong with her. Well, except that she has seizures. No reason. No diagnosis. Some recommendations for medication. Potentially very debilitating medications. It would be a guessing game as to what meds would be the right ones. We passed.

Now, imagine, being awakened every night by your young child having seizures. If you're lucky, only 1. If not, 8. And imagine, that your child has never slept through a night. Nor have you since that child's birth. (I'll pause here to tell you she's better now. Its been 10 months since she's had seizure after being treated for sleep apnea by an acupunturist. But this story is about how my long term sleep deprivation impacted Circles. Let's get back to that.)

Impaired judgement and lack of grace are the result. I was feeling high anxiety when I made the decision to entangle my life with a young woman (YW) I thought could help me. I hired her as part time nanny for my daughter and part time employee at Circles. We (me, my daughter, YW and YW's boyfriend) got an apartment together so I could have other adults around. I had been told that due to 'collateral damage' which can occur from a seizure victim falling, my daughter could not ever be unsupervised. This made it difficult to shower, use the toilet, do laundry, etc.

I knew the first night in the new apartment that I had made a mistake. A story told by the boyfriend and the ensuing dialogue left me deeply concerned. I still had the same stresses, and didn't know how to extricate myself. I made attempts at dialogue to see if things could improve. But, no. Feeling powerless, and always being very open, I spoke to the members of the community about it. Some of the younger members, who felt they were YW's peers were not comfortable with that. It was not the most graceful of me, I admit. This is my community and its the place I go for reflection, feedback, insight. I do have my internal rules: never say anything about someone that you haven't said directly to them; only speak if you are looking for what you might do to make things better. Still, some heard it as an of endictment of YW.

Of course, they couldn't know what I wasn't speaking of. Then it happened in a painfully public way. A lie. In front of witnesses, she told a community member that I had instructed YW to expel this person from a social circle. I was appalled when I learned. The extrication began.

Caught in the melee, were community members that seemed to feel either that I had been unduly harsh, or that they had some affinity to her. Some had been part of the action to expel this person. Though they all witnessed her lie, and some became victims of further lying, they still felt that I was the offensive party in the aftermath. It was clear to me they did not understand a) that they didn't understand what community was, b)lies are not usually lonely, they are a self-propagating virus, c) how this propensity for lying had filled my life with land mines, d) how the farther you let a parasite burrow, the more painful it is to remove it. After some attempts at dialogue, I sadly had to let them go. Their youthful vibrance would be missed.

After a period of 'mourning', the air cleared and certain fundamentals of community had been established and Circles has been thriving. You can see the recovery in the shop, as the clutter has cleared, systems are back in order, and the inventory is flowing. The pruned entity has regrown.

On Sunday, one of the affected members returned to a social circle. She looked better than ever and it was wonderful to have her back. She seemed surprised at how good the shop felt. We both acknowledged that we each had come through hard times and life was restabilizing. After all the 'removals' of the last few weeks, the replacement of the camera and the return of a friend far outshine the darkness of theft. It makes me feel sorry for the thief. To steal from someone is to steal the possibility of connection. For all the anxieties in my life, for all the chaos, for all the little losses, my life is rich with connection to so many wonderful people That thief must be lonely. Probably needs to learn to knit....

Shrug It Off

The original vision, that is.

I finally have some photos of my latest design endeavor. Its still in progress. Here's where I started:
I'm using Plassard's Symphonie. Its a self-striping yarn and I had hoped to creating striking stripes by knitting on the bias.

In the beginning, this was to be a big rectangle and I was just going to sew seams for sleeves. Easy peasy. A nice 2 skein project for those want to branch out beyond scarves.

Of course, along the way.....

I wanted to do a little shaping and then thought about how this would sit on the body. I didn't want it to look like a scarf turned into two sleeves. And I didn't want it to float around such that the wearer would feel the constant need to rearrange the garment.

The common design response to this is to pick up stitches after the sleeves are seamed. You go from the neck all the way around the body and back to the neck. Then you knit a ribbed edge. I thought about that, but wasn't drawn to the idea. What I really wanted was to have a little bit of ribbing on the upper arms. Like an arm band of ribbing. Ok, try to figure out how to get a non-biased band of ribbing when you're knitting on the bias. I think I was getting close when I abandoned that idea and thought about knitting the body and creating ribbed sleeve caps. You know, a top down body where the sleeeve caps are created before you put them on holders and finish the bottom.

Well, one thought led to another and now I'm knitting this:

Very different from the original vision. This shrug now has bias ribs throughout. Its very stretchy and gives me the cling I was looking for. Don't know it it will go with the sleeve, though. I might have to try the bias stockinette approach again for another project.

Tune in to see how it goes...

Joy, Synergy, Tension

Balancing Community & Business:
The Joy
The Sunday morning circle nurtures my soul. Each week I feel blessed to be surrounded by the magnificent people that comprise our 'church'. This circles exemplifies everything I wanted to experience as a hostess of a creative community. Knitters from beginner to expert sharing their craft, patiently urging each other on and lovingly offering suggestions for improvement. Scientists, librarians, veterinarians, doctoral candidates, IT managers, developers, college administrators, advertising salespeople, lawyers and the list goes on. Many walks of life are represented in the room. And the dialogue is always respectful. As anyone who has ever sat with others to knit knows, the conversations go well beyond casting on and stitch patterns.

Religion, politics, sexuality, relationships, careers are all topics that are woven into the fabric of a knitting circle dialogue. The knitting is our 'warp' and life is our 'weft'. In our Sunday circle I am repeatedly impressed by the ability to traverse such sensitive topics without rancor and full of mutual respect. It is not always without tension. But there is a fierceness around the requirement for respect and compassion - you might even say 'right speech' (wink, wink Alice) - that buys us the patience to let things unfold and see how the fabric is coming out before ripping out all the work done to date. Newcomers are more than welcome and they are guided gently toward a quality of exchange that builds bonds and makes the space - dare I say it? - sacred.

Sunday is the 6th day of my work week. No matter how exhausted I am, though, I cannot miss Sunday circle if I'm in town. As the owner of Circles, the business, the Sunday group is my 'sine qua non.' Sunday and all the circles are what it is all about. I have a passion for knitting. It is my active meditation. But I could knit at home alone. And you don't get a lot of time for knitting when you own a yarn store. The deepest joy comes when I am knitting my life with others.

Synergy
The creative energy I get from the community feedback loop is immeasurable. So many good ideas and so many willing hands. It takes a village.... Because they feel connected to the people who work here, the feedback is given with genuine care and concern. The business definitely benefits from the embedded community.

When I feel that I have no more time or energy for the next big push that needs to happen at Circles, I can turn to the community for assistance. Need to plan a 2nd Anniversary celebration? Invite the community to a planning meeting and 10 people show up ready to get this thing going. Because they understand the need to have Circles succeed financially, they enthusiastically look for ways to make the day both joyous and profitable. The synergy of business and community is more than the sum of the two individual things.

Tension
The challenge is being the driver of both. Right along with the joy and the synergy are the moments when I feel pulled between the two entities I have birthed.

The social circles are open to all. Bring your project, whatever it is, no matter where you bought your materials. It is inspiring to see what's out there. But more than that, no knitter should have to bring only a part of their knitterly self. The circle would be a contrived experience if it were a requirment that you only work on projects purchased from Circles. It would change everything in the nature of the sharing; the feeling that you can be fully open at Circles.

The 'Visionary Philosopher' in me holds on hard to these ideals. Sometimes the "Pragmatist' in me is challenged to sit back and stay off the Social Circle Committee and have a little faith in the vision.

How does that vision feel when someone enters the circle perpetually bringing projects purchased elsewhere? Oddly enough that doesn't tweak the 'Pragmatist'. Not until said person keeps demanding technical assistance throughout the circle. A constant need for attention from everyone else, without noticing that people want to work on their own projects. And the 'Pragmatist' is even more tweaked when the technical assistance is desired because the pattern purchased elsewhere is far beyond the beginner knitter's skill level and the knitter can't get support from the shop where the purchase was made. Even more tweaked when the pattern has errors that require this shop owner to practically rewrite the pattern. How far can you push the 'Pragmatist' before she turn the committee table upside down and kicks everyone else off and takes over?

The answer is yet unknown. Certainly, there is an inner discourse that is heated. Yet, the beauty of the community is this: someone else usually points out that the circle is being abused before I have to. A solid voice from the corner says, "You know, there's probably a reason she doesn't sell that company's pattern. Perhaps you should buy one from Circles if you're going to need so much help." And that is enough.

Or sometimes, the one pushing the 'Pragmatist's' alarm button, gets it on her own. Like the time I spent an hour helping a customer pour through books for the perfect shawl pattern. She finds the perfect shawl but says she has to wait until next week to buy the book. Next week she pulls the book out of her bag and says, "I couldn't wait, so I bought it somewhere else closer to work." Just as "Visionary Philosopher" is peeling the "Pragmatist" off the walls and getting out restraining belts, said customer sees the faces of the others in the room, realizes how ungracious she's been and says, "You know, I think I'll buy that beautiful hand-dyed yarn after all." Ahhhhhh.

It isn't the behaviour of any community members that lead to the worst tension. Its that ever-elusive resource of time. With the open sitting room available during all store hours, it can be challenging to find time in the back office where the relentless work of keeping the engine running has to happen. Going over cash flow reports, ordering inventory, checking ad copy, answering emails, composing the weekly (well, almost) marketing email, cleaning the bathroom, writing patterns, writing a book (oh yes, just another little project in the works), developing new programs, creating a class/workshop/event schedule over and over and over....

When the shop is slow I might take advantage of that time to get something done in the office. What do if someone parks themselves in the sitting room? If there are two people, I am more comfortable leaving them talk amongst themselves. But if it is one, the hostess in me says it is rude to leave the person alone. She comes for connection. If she wants to be alone, she would have stayed home. Often, this person has something important weighing on their heart. They are seeking a sympathetic ear. They need to hear their dilemma out loud. They need to see a caring reflection in your eyes. I cherish these moments. I know that I have created what I set out to create when people come here for centering. Especially when it is not a designated time for a social circle. And I did create this. Being the creator obligates you to a certain responsibility (read Shelley's "Frankenstein" for an interesting diatribe on the impact of the creator abandoning, even resenting his creation.) so, I am inclined to sit and knit and listen and offer what I can. Simple things like allowing someone to be where they are - exhilarated, bleak, confused - not trying to fix it, simply accepting it so she can accept it and have a grounded place from which to move.

Meanwhile, I'm not getting the business done. And the business does have to be financially sustainable to support a space to host a community. They are inextricable. Finding the appropriate action at the appropriate time that ensure that both are supported is the single greatest tension point I experience. It rips at my heart. Failing at either is a personal failure. At my worst, the tension feeds into self-loathing. I pelt myself with accusations of worthlessness. At my best, I breathe and ask for the grace to wend my way through it all.

And really, that's the quest: a bit of grace.

Promises and the Chaotic Life

So, I promised a post on my current design adventure. Well, its hard to post about a design in process without photos. When I started this blog, I knew that I would need to learn how to post photos and I finally did figure it out. I then realized that I needed to get into the habit of taking lots of digital photos. So, last week, I spoke to my staff, rallying us all to keep the camera handy and shoot, shoot, shoot. Only to realize that we can't find the camera. Ugh....

The last person to use the camera knows exactly where she put it, but its not there. It resides in a nice leather bag with a charger, a spare battery, a little tripod, etc. So, its not as though its a tiny little thing that could be tucked just anywhere. Was it stolen? Or is it somewhere in Circles we haven't looked yet?

In some ways, it doesn't matter. We needed the camera to be in use already. Stolen or misplaced, Its just another little thing that thwarts progress.
And this is what its like. So many balls in the air and I'm, apparently, not a master juggler. All these little things are the frustrations of being a small business owner. The printer won't print, can't find the camera, out of toilet paper, a glass vase shatters all over the yarn room.... Doesn't matter the day, an army of little things launches a war against your cause. The "to-do" list grows and the papers take over your office. Like any vibrant child, a business brings chaos to the most obsessive, compulsive lives. This one is no exception.

How do I keep going? Faith. And an ever growing realization that perfection and impeccable organization are not required for success. Perhaps a personal assistant. But many a successful person has been full of persoal shortcomings. I only beginning to allow myself to accept that my shortcomings don't mean failure. Besides, a lot of creativity is coming out of all this chaos.

Recently I pondered two of the metaphysical theories of how the universe was created. (Ok, i'm the type who ponders these things all the time.) One says that in the beginning there was a metaphysical being and that being created everything out of itself. Another says that in the beginning there was chaos and this metaphysical being created order out of the chaos. From the second version comes the belief that chaos is evil. Having had chaos imposed upon me by someone else, I can wholeheartedly buy into the concept that chaos is evil. Yet, if I reconsider the order out of chaos theory, I realize that the ultimate act of creativity came out of the ultimate state of chaos. If that's the case, there is a pentultimate amount of creative potential in my life!

So, as a creative response to the missing camera, I'll post about something else until I resolve how I will get photos onto the blog. Next time: some of the joys, synergies and tensions in my two roles as shop owner and community hostess.

Ownership, Overjoyed, Overwhelmed

After posting about the inspiration behind opening Circles, it seems balancing to write about some of the reality of owning a business. There is the joy of having a vision manifested into reality. There is the contentedness of sitting in the social circles. There is the creative stimulation that leads to ideas, ideas, ideas.

And then there is the ever-expanding To Do List. From seeking out and ordering inventory, to shop presentation, to keeping up with marketing emails and campaigns, to bookkeeping and bathroom cleaning and staff training and managment, the list goes on and on and on. The feeling that most often arises in me is one of overwhelm.

Today I spent the entire day trying to correct link errors in a marketing email that I sent yesterday. It wasn't as simple as sending a follow up email with correct links. It turns out that my web site is case sensitive. Who knew? I had to scour all the pages of the web site to find the links that weren't in the proper case.

Then I found out that my new initiative to engage people in our Referral program doesn't work. We had tested it, but somehow now a file is missing. A CGI/Perl program file that I don't know how to write. And the person who did the original work is no longer available to me. So, I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out if this was something I could do myself. Bye, bye Thursday.

Why don't I just hire someone? Welcome to a micro-business. I don't have the money to hire someone for each of the areas of the business that I have to attend to. I'm sure that I could run a multi-million dollar business. That seems easy. You have assistants. You have accounting departments, IT departments, marketing departments, maintenance departments, purchasing departments. Sure, there's pressure from the board and the stockholders. Lots of meetings. Everybody needs your attention. But if I could focus my energy on holding and developing a vision, looking down from the top and pointing out ways to improve systems, mentoring people, providing inspiration, solving macro problems...If I did not have to order cups, clean toilets, fix the web site, manage the cash flow, train staff, teach, sell, merchandise. That company would hum. But, alas, I'm a micro-business (with high hopes of growing beyond that) and I have to sweat every detail every day.

Of course, I didn't lose Thursday just because of the troublesome links. My daughter has been sick and home from school all week. She hasn't been sleeping well. So, I haven't been sleeping well. Now, I'm not feeling well. It didn't take long after I opened Circles to realize how inane it was to do this when I have a young child. People who have children can't believe I can pull it off at all. Many of those who don't seem to think I am simply lacking the ability to manage my life. I admit that I didn't understand until I had my own child how utterly relentless and unpredictable parenting is. (How could I have known that my daughter would start having Grand Mal Seizures one month after opening my business?)

It is worth it. It is the most rewarding job I've ever had. The way she can make me laugh when I'm frustrated. The fascination of watching her develop. And the non-stop loving affection. She's a joy to be with.

Circles, my other child, is worth it, too. People who have never owned a business have a hard time understanding how relentless and unpredictable it is. It is so far from the 9to5 job that you can leave behind. There simply is no paycheck if you're not driving the business. Still, my heart sings when I see people connecting in the Sitting Room. Or watch someone go from saying they are uncoordinated and "probably can't do this" to knitting their first hat. I am inspired with design ideas and book ideas. I feel very supported by the community of knitters that is growing along with Circles. I have long felt tribe-less, as my birth family has a long history of being detached. With Circles, I feel the presence of a tribe. I feel seen and am willing to be seen. Being seen, I feel accountable. I feel responsible for creating something that now means a lot to a great many people. I don't want to fail because I will let down my two best friends, without whom I would not have manifested this adventure, and this vibrant community. It will simply be tragic to turn the Circles community into a diaspora. I have to make it succeed.

I have to learn to ask for the right kind of help in a timely, meaningful manner. I need better systems for some parts of the business. I need a more efficient way to get samples onto the shop floor. I need to create PR activity. I need to continuously generate digital photos. I need to improve the materials for the classes. Oh, so many improvements I can think of....

I have this great idea for a fundraiser. Suzanne has a great idea for an event. These are on my mind a lot lately. How to pull them off.....

Though I lost much of this to teck-i-nickel difficulties, I did in the end get the links corrected for the marketing email and I have launched two blogs. Though my daughter has been sick all week, she blew me two kisses as her dad was putting her to bed tonight . She told me she wants to come to Circles tomorrow and learn how to do finger knitting. She wants to teach other kids to knit someday, she says. Because, "Mommy, I think it is good to teach people knitting together." She's 5 going on 50.

Inspired by her to remember why I do this, I think I'll write about my recent knitting adventures next....

Knit along now.

The Salon Vision cont'd

Behind the Circles Salon vision is my personal experience with knitting. This is a great place to start this blog, as it sets the background for my joy of the knitting and the people and why I started a business that requires me to do things I'm not comfortable doing: selling and self-promoting.

During my 17 years of knitting I am constantly reminded of the metaphor of connection. When we pause our knitting and ask, "Who was the first person to pick up sticks and twine and do this?" we are connecting to the knitting ancestry we are carrying on. Connection to my creativity came when i realized how harmless it was to pull out my stitches and knit the yarn again. I felt free to experiment, to try to get the sleeves long enough or to change the collar and then I tried changing the stitch pattern and anything I didn't like about a pattern. Eventually I felt the confidence to create something from scratch. Then there is the connection to my inner thoughts and feelings during those quiet moments when the knit stitches contentedly flow off the
needles, erasing other distractions. I have learned that when I feel agitated, worried or unclear, I can
center myself with some solitary knitting. Do you pull out your knitting when visiting in-laws or
siblings? You are using the knitting to keep yourself calm by connecting to your center.

This is the most profound connection that knitting has established for me. It is a sheer joy to sit with others and knit. I never cease to be amazed at the complex maze of conversations and bonds that are generated when a group of people, all knitting on different projects, sit in a room together. The knitting provides an immediate connection point between people who might otherwise believe they had nothing to share. I have seen knitters, within minutes of meeting, console one another lovingly over tragic losses or offer triumphant cheers for achieving difficult milestones. There is an openness to one another that can be so rare. Particularly in a city where out of self-preservation we walk around so heavily guarded.

A love of knitting, a joy in connecting to people and that all too common feeling of isolation in a densely populated environment (especially as the mother of a young chile), all contributed to the vision of the Knitting Salon. Yes, Circles is a yarn store and everyone is welcome to simply be a customer. I am happy to be here as a supplier of quality yarns (a whole different topic!). We are also a place for community. I have been awestruck by how quickly a vibrant community has developed. It is one big open circle always ready to expand for someone new or seemingly different. From social circles to pot luck events, to the Yarn Co-operative and field trips, we continue to offer a myriad of connection points that allow you to find your own place in the Salon Circle if you choose. Only you can determine if we're living our mission. We provide a placeholder for community with a space and a willingness to be your hosts. Your participation and your experience are what makes the salon vision a reality. Your willingness to sit with others, share even a little bit of yourself and to offer ideas and assistance make my heart sing and my needles soar. I trust that you will let me know when we're not serving you well. I also trust that you will remind us at times when we are.

Knit along now...