Wallow the Leader

Before I can work through any exploration of my role at Circles and whether I can still own a business and host a community, I have to come to terms with my current reality. In my training to be a therapist, Jim Grant called this “Acceptive Empowerment.” It’s akin to realizing that you can’t plot a useful map to Alaska from New York if you insist on believing that you’re in Tahiti. Tahiti may be a nice place to be, but if you’re not really there, the map you create won’t get you to Alaska. The journey will likely be frustrating and self-defeating.

So, where am I? These days, I’m mostly at home. I'm afraid to go out. I’m having a hard time focusing on anything. Since August, I’ve gotten very little accomplished for Circles. Working with my staff, I did manage to set it up so that the business is self-sustaining, though not making money for me and not growing. We analyzed our sales over the past three years and established store hours, a staff schedule, an inventory purchasing system and cash flow management scheme that allows the business to pay its bills with the lowest known volume of sales. While this doesn’t create excitement or a sense of bounty, it relieves a lot of stress about the shop’s stability and assures that business can continue while I back off for a while. Thank heavens for a crew of loyal and reliable staff - Jennifer, Judy and Hannah with backup from Bridgid and Martha.

In slowing down, I’m facing a maelstrom of thoughts generated by emotions. Thoughts can drive you crazy unless you get some perspective. It has taken a while to climb high enough above the thoughts to identify the emotions. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Exhaustion. Sadness. Despair. Loneliness? The question mark is there because while I feel lonely in facing my condition, I also feel surrounded by support. My staff is taking care of the store, the Circles community has not abandoned the ship, and my ex is providing for me. I am being given all the room that I need to attend to my needs. While there is a bit of financial pressure to contribute at home, the only real pressure for me to figure out how to manage my life better is internal.

Getting emotional perspective on the thoughts that plague me is one step along the path of healing and reconciliation (with life.) Still emotions can drive you crazy, too, unless you climb a little higher and get a perspective on them.

Generally, I have a deep abiding faith in the universe. I can’t say that this is a religious faith. I have somehow always had a sense that everything is as it should be and I will make my way. I’ve been able to draw on this inner strength for my entire life. It helps me detach enough from my emotional state to self-reflect and adjust course. Right now, I’m not able to get there. As I try to think about moving Circles along or what else I might do with myself, I can’t get out of the muck of my emotional quagmire. In a moment of Acceptive Empowerment, I need to admit that I’m traumatized.

While I said that I didn’t want violin music, I must also admit to feeling sorry for myself. I resent being sick. I resent being disabled. I resent being dependent. I resent being weak. I resent being vulnerable. I resent my feelings of worthlessness. I resent my feelings of failure. I’m feeling whiny. I’d like to have a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. “Waaahhhh, why me?” “Waaahhh, when does life give me a break?” “Waaahhh, this isn’t FAIR!”

Life isn’t "fair". I know this. Afflictions are often random. (Well, unless you're a Buddhist, which I have some appreciation for.) Temper tantrum or not, I’m not 2. Telling myself this doesn’t stop the flow of emotions, though. I’m not able to get myself to “get over it and figure out what you need to do!” Try as I might, it’s not happening. What do I need to do to move myself through this layer of fog and get a little higher up the mountain of self-reflection? Maybe I need to dive deeper into the pool of self-reflection. I've always found climbing to be easier than diving.

So, why write about all of this here? Clearly my state of being is crippling my ability to lead a business, host a community or even knit creatively. Everything is stagnant. Some leader. Do all leaders have these moments?

Hmmm. Stagnant. Diving in would stir up the waters. Ugh.

Oh, I did finish a sweater recently. (I’ll try to get a photo of it, but the new computer is not compatible with the old camera, so I have a technical challenge.) And I did design a hat for Southwest Trading. So maybe I'm not creatively dead.