Where have I been? I get this blog started, enjoying the process of writing and reflecting, I tell myself I will post at least once a week and would like to build that to once a day, and then: I don't.
How many things have I said I'm going to do, that I don't get to? How often have I disappointed myself? Others?
There are always reasons. My heart is true. I simply don't seem to be able to swim straight against the tide of life. I am raising a 6 year old daughter and running a retail business. I am hosting a community of fiber artists, trying to contribute to my daughter's school and I sit on the local neighborhood council. I'm a knitter. That is my business, after all. I knit and I design for the shop and for myself and my daughter and sometimes friends. I'm supposedly writing a book. I have two dogs I should be taking on long walks everyday. I should be exercising. I should be singing. I should be socializing.
What I woke up feeling this morning, as I was setting my priorities for the day and feeling behind in everything, is that I'm unreliable. So much to do, so little time, means that I don't get to things. Am I unreliable?
Is it me? Or is time too constraining?
Why am I so disappointed in my inability to get more done? After all, all of this just concerns me keeping my little life together. All day long, I've been conscious of how disappointed I am. Why isn't my business making money yet? Why isn't that book written yet? Why aren't those patterns tested and published yet? All these ideas and no results. So unreliable.
There's a well-rehearsed critic in my head that's been bearing down on me. But then a friend asked me to lead a knitting circle at her shop in return for housing me on my next business trip. I asked her if she had a topic in mind and she immediately responded, "I really want you talk about the Greek Goddess knitting." I sent her a description for an intro to Greek Goddess knitting. She posted it to her customer list and 6 people immediately signed up. I am tickled pink. What it made me realize is that I have been so wrapped up in the mechanics of running a shop that I have neglected my calling. The motivation for opening a shop when I knew that I would not love retail, was to create a venue where I would cross paths with knitters who might be interested in consciously nurturing their spirits through their knitting. I am supposed to be developing my knitting therapy programs and helping people to heal. Instead, I am completely focused on inventory and cash flow and class schedules and sales figures and marketing. All things that need to get done, but I should know myself better by now. If I'm not doing the sine qua non, I will be drained. It is all non. Even if the shop were making me rich, I would be disappointed. I would feel unfulfilled.
Perhaps I have been unreliable. But what ship can be expected to get to the next harbor without a rudder? For some, their rudder may be in the making of the sale. Or it may be in planning of the inventory. I know that no business ship is in shape without these things, but my rudder is definitely the spirit work. I will always feel off course and in a stormy sea without it.
With the rudder in place, I will silence that tiny, yet ferociously tenacious critic. I will gain some clarity and wend my way through my days with a lot more grace.
At least for a while..... ;D
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2 comments:
Hi, Allison,
I was looking for the community board and stumbled across your blog here.
If it makes you feel any better, I haven't posted anything to my blog (nicaknit.blogspot.com) in over a year...
I know what you mean about feeling like you're not getting as much done as you'd like/think you should/think you could, etc. I think the truth is, you're getting a hell of lot more done than (a) what you feel and (b) the majority of people in the same or similar circumstances. This is message I get for myself, from my friends and loved ones, when I share my feelings of being behind or being less than optimally effective. We're too close to it all to see what we're really accomplishing.
Don't forget to love yourself in the midst of everything.
Paz,
Jenn (in Nicaragua)
Thank you Jenn. I think it is the irrepressible self-critic of the visionary to never feel that you have done enough.
I do know that you accomplish a lot. So, it does cause some pause for reflection to think that one so accomplished has the self-same criticism.
I'll feel better when Circles is financially safe and sound. Which will probably happen when I'm doing what I'm best at and finding the best people to do that which I'm not so great at.
And I'll try to love myself along the way. I do realize that I am simply another being suffering throught the human condition, getting along the best I can. And that I do generally offer the best of myself to others and try to be a positive presence.
I simply wish I could do more!
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