Whoa!

Though I've mentioned that I haven't been well here, it had been my plan to avoid discussing my health. I simply didn't want to get sidetracked from my musings on the subjects for which I created this blog. Little did I know that it wouldn't be OT, as they say in i-land. (off-topic, that is.)

I've been suffering from an array of neurological symptoms - physical and cognitive. After nearly a year of testing and one hospitalization, most of the practioners involved were inching closer and closer to telling me that I had MS. I've spent the better part of the year coming to terms with that possibility. About a month ago, another possibility was presented to me. It was suggested that I do some more tests just to rule it out. I did the tests, but really didn't think seriously about what a postive result would mean. Much less 4 positives.

It looks like I don't have MS. I should be pushing out a big, "Phew!" But what I do have is actually more life shattering for me. I have toxic levels of 4 heavy metals.

Okay, so I started a treatment to pull these metals out of my body. So far, so good. No big deal. Except that the common sources for these 4 metals are pigments and mordants for textiles. I'm absorbing them through my skin which is more toxic than ingesting them. Apparently, my liver isn't flushing them out of my system. Most livers do. Is there a reason my liver doesn't? I don't know. Frankly, I lost the ability to take in information once the doc said, "you need to find a different outlet for your creativity." Having only met me once before, he has no idea of the profundity of that directive.

This isn't simply an outlet for my creativity. It's the basis of my livelihood. My life's vision is infused with it. More than that, it has been a spiritual and healing practice. The beauty and symbolism of color has been a fundamental piece of that work. My chosen modality for healing has been killing me.

I'm sure there are adjustments I can make so that I can still knit. I'm not ready to think about that (post ideas and resources on our forum, not here, thank you.) Right now, I'm in a bit of a spiritual crisis. And the one thing that I usually pick up to work through that is toxic to me. (I did start working on a natural alpaca piece, so I know it's not totally lost) Really, I can't work in my own store. I can't touch the vast majority of the yarns and I don't think it will be condusive to sales if I walk around with rubber gloves on.

The business is in a fragile state of transition and I need to attend to my own health. As each day goes by since this diagnosis was given to me, I realize that I need to take a break. I have to focus on getting undyed sheets and how I'm going to replace furniture, rugs, towels, etc. I need to give my body some energy to recover. (I do hope treatment will mean the end of the tingling and burning in my extremities!)

I need to figure out how Circles can survive while I make sure that I do, too.

I need to come to terms with what my choice of passion has done to me. I have followed my heart and it has taken me here. I need to go deep down for some visions of how to assimilate all of this and set out on a new path forward.

I still need to cry. Why haven't I cried?